I am so close to being at the beginning of where I want to be but I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. In the past I have chalked it up to not being something I can control but that is a lie. I want this, I enjoy this. The issue isn't the desire, because we all struggle with unwanted desires, no the issue is the lack of responsibility to act in a way that I know to be right. Many people would disagree with me on the morality of my actions and be able to justify them. I however, know better. I know what really matters. The question that I enviably come to is this, do I honestly want to place the temporary and the fleeting in the way of the long term? Of course the answer is no, but that is a answer born out of the aftermath of my latest failure. It is the answer I want to always give, and need to give but it is becoming easier and easier to fail. Without thought or recourse I act on a desire in the fleeting. All the while inside I cry out STOP YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! and yet I proceed. Tonight I might have failed, but I made a call and I am going to keep making calls. I am going to rely on the help of friends that God has placed in my life to walk through this valley with. They are my Silas, and with them I will call out to my heavenly father and say I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN! God grant me the strength to ask for help before I need it and the conviction to call on those around me if I stumble.